How to Win Friends and Influence People Book Notes

This was a fantastic read. Here are some of the things I learned:

Fundamental Techniques to Handling People

• Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
  • It is foolish to scold. People have enough trouble overcoming their own limitations
  • By criticizing, you won’t make lasting changes but instead create resentment
  • As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation
  • Hard hat compliance story: a man was responsible to ensure everyone wore hard hats. When he visited job sites and saw people not wearing them, he’d get after them. This led to sullen acceptance and after he left, they’d often remove their hats again. When he changed his tone to reminding everyone why they have hard hats and suggested they do so to stay safe, compliance dramatically rose and the hatred lessened
  • Abraham Lincoln criticized people growing up which led to a duel to the death, he was saved by his second who intervened. After this incident Lincoln never criticized again. “Judge not, that ye be not judged”
  • Sharp criticisms and rebuke almost invariably end in futility
  • A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men - Carlyle
• Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
  • There’s only one way to get someone to do something - by making the other person WANT to do it
  • Human nature classifies the “deepest urge” as “the desire to be important”
  • Appreciate people, it pays in dividends
  • Flattery is not appreciation, it’s insincere
  • Don’t give or accept cheap praise
• Principle 3: Arouse in the other an eager want
  • Talk to people about what they want, make advantage and disadvantage lists based on their choices
  • “If there is one key to success, it lies in the ability to get the other persons point of view and see things from that persons angle, as well as from your own” - Henry Ford
  • People want to think that ideas are theirs, so make it their idea

Six Ways to Make People Like You

• Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people
  • You’ll make more friends in two months than in two years by becoming genuinely interested in them vs trying to get them interested in you
  • Greet people enthusiastically
• Principle 2: Smile
  • Encouragement over punishment
  • A smile is a powerful thing, even if it’s unseen. It can be felt through your voice too
  • “There is neither good or bad, but thinking makes it so” - Shakespeare
• Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
  • Learn people’s names and call them by it. People love hearing their own names but more importantly hate when it’s not known or misspoke/spelled wrong by someone else - why do you think we name buildings after people?
  • One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: “to recall a voters name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion”
• Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
  • Give everyone you speak to your rapt attention
  • People want to be heard. You need to be a listener
  • Often, all an irritated customer, dissatisfied employee, or hurt friend wants is someone to listen
• Principle 5: Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests
  • The royal road to a persons heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most
  • Make yourself agreeable
• Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely
  • Recognize that everyone is important in their own way

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

• Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
  • The only way to win an argument is to not have it
  • “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”
  • Tips in a disagreement
    • Welcome disagreement
    • Distrust your first instinctive reaction, it’s often you at your worst when you come off defensive
    • Control your temper
    • Listen first
    • Look for areas of agreement
    • Thank your opponents seriously for their interest
    • Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
  • “Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love” - Buddha
  • “When two friends agree, one of them is not necessary”
  • When one yells, the other should listen. If both yell, there is just noise
• Principle 2: show respect for the other persons opinions. Never say, “you’re wrong”
  • “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself” - Galileo
  • Don’t tell people they are wrong. This must be done subtly
  • “Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so” - Lord Chesterfield
  • Few people are logical, we are emotional and will react with emotion when told we are wrong
  • “Agree with thine adversary, quickly” - Jesus
• Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
  • Criticize yourself before others can, a great way to diffuse situations
  • Any fool can try defending their mistakes, but it raises one above the herd to admit them first
  • By fighting you never get enough. By yielding you get more than you expected
• Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way
  • You will almost always find better success when being kind and gentle than letting a temper win
• Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
  • “He who treads softly goes far”
  • When we say “no”, we shut down, even if we later learn we were wrong at which point we often double down
  • Getting people to agree with you by asking related affirmative questions is key to bringing them to your side
• Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
  • People cannot be sold, you have to let them buy
• Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
• Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other persons point of view
• Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other persons ideas and desires
  • 3/4 of the people you meet will be hungering and thirsting for sympathy, give it to them
  • We are what we are because of our parents
• Principle 10: To change people, appeal to the nobler motives
• Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas
• Principle 12: Throw down a challenge
  • The way to get things done is to stimulate competition

Be a Leader

• Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
• Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
  • Demonstrate what you want instead of verbally criticize
  • Avoid the word “but”, it delivers criticism in the guise of a complement and is poison
• Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
• Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
• Principle 5: Let the other person save face
  • “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes”
• Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty” in your approbation and lavish in your praise
  • When praise is specific, it comes across as sincere
• Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
• Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
• Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest